*we want our jokes thread back*
A little boy walks' into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and
down. The parents stop and his mum quickly dismounts, pulling the covers around her.
"What were you and dad doing?" the boy asks his mum.
"Well , your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it," She explains.
"Your wasting your time," says the boy.
"When you go shopping the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
Jokes!!
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Eerian
- Peon
- Posts: 66
- Joined: Fri Jun 04, 2004 11:26 pm
My dad sent this to me...
Can it get any worsr???
This morning -- from a cave somewhere in Pakistan --
Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban
authorities will halt America's supply of convenience store managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers
will be next.
It's really getting ugly!
Can it get any worsr???
This morning -- from a cave somewhere in Pakistan --
Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban
authorities will halt America's supply of convenience store managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers
will be next.
It's really getting ugly!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[color=red][size=125][b]I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable[/b][/size][/color]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[color=red][size=125][b]I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable[/b][/size][/color]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Venamdar
- Lesser Peon
- Posts: 21
- Joined: Sun Jun 27, 2004 8:53 pm
"Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicl
"Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle..."
1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved
about in that time-management course you sent me to."
3. "I was working smarter-not harder."
4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our
mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective
people!"
7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
8. "I was trying to remember where that difficult
"Z" Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on
my brain, or at least my forehead."
9. "I'm in the management training program."
10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination
Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last
mandatory seminar you made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last
night when I dreamed about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to
relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate
against people who practice Yoga?"
13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost
figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
14. "Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine
is broken..."
15. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
16. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just
won't wear off!"
17. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian
rhythms of the workaholic!"
18. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my
contact lens without my hands."
19. "The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I
was playing dead to avoid getting shot."
20. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved
about in that time-management course you sent me to."
3. "I was working smarter-not harder."
4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our
mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective
people!"
7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
8. "I was trying to remember where that difficult
"Z" Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on
my brain, or at least my forehead."
9. "I'm in the management training program."
10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination
Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last
mandatory seminar you made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last
night when I dreamed about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to
relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate
against people who practice Yoga?"
13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost
figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
14. "Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine
is broken..."
15. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
16. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just
won't wear off!"
17. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian
rhythms of the workaholic!"
18. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my
contact lens without my hands."
19. "The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I
was playing dead to avoid getting shot."
20. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
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Matil
- Peon
- Posts: 51
- Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2004 2:04 pm
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Venamdar
- Lesser Peon
- Posts: 21
- Joined: Sun Jun 27, 2004 8:53 pm
hehe...
THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN: by Dave Barry , Nationally Syndicated Columnist
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. People who jump to conclusions never solve a problem.
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone ama teur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine.. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
*****************
FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. People who jump to conclusions never solve a problem.
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone ama teur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine.. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
*****************
FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Venamdar
- Lesser Peon
- Posts: 21
- Joined: Sun Jun 27, 2004 8:53 pm
New Drink for Men
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO."
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO."
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Venamdar
- Lesser Peon
- Posts: 21
- Joined: Sun Jun 27, 2004 8:53 pm
Name That Tune
Just humm the "Beverly Hillbillies tune to yourself while reading.....
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, A poor college
kid, barely kept his family fed, But then one day he was talking to a
recruiter, who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
UNIX, that is
CRTs
Workstations
Well, the first thing ya know ole Jed's an Engineer. The kinfolk
said "Jed, move away from here". They said "Arizona is the place ya
oughta be", So he bought some donuts and moved to Ahwatukee
Intel, that is
dry heat
no amusement parks
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube. Fed him more
donuts and sat him at a tube. They said "your project's late, but we
know just what to do. Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
O.T. that is
unpaid
mandatory
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad. Schedules started
slipping and some managers were mad. They called another meeting
and decided on a fix. The answer was quite simple
"We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is
stressed out
no social life
Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey. Jed worked
very hard while his life slipped away. Waiting to retire when he turned
64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is
de-briefed
unemployed
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm, beat the
competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is
Bill Gates
Steve Case
Y'all come back now ya hear?
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, A poor college
kid, barely kept his family fed, But then one day he was talking to a
recruiter, who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
UNIX, that is
CRTs
Workstations
Well, the first thing ya know ole Jed's an Engineer. The kinfolk
said "Jed, move away from here". They said "Arizona is the place ya
oughta be", So he bought some donuts and moved to Ahwatukee
Intel, that is
dry heat
no amusement parks
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube. Fed him more
donuts and sat him at a tube. They said "your project's late, but we
know just what to do. Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
O.T. that is
unpaid
mandatory
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad. Schedules started
slipping and some managers were mad. They called another meeting
and decided on a fix. The answer was quite simple
"We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is
stressed out
no social life
Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey. Jed worked
very hard while his life slipped away. Waiting to retire when he turned
64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is
de-briefed
unemployed
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm, beat the
competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is
Bill Gates
Steve Case
Y'all come back now ya hear?
-
Kilaer
- Greater Peon
- Posts: 125
- Joined: Sun May 09, 2004 5:51 pm
WARNING!! Virus Alert !!
There is a new virus. The code name is WORK. If you receive WORK from your colleagues, boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends.
Then retry. I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway.....it never hurts to be safe.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends.
Then retry. I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway.....it never hurts to be safe.
[url=http://www.magelo.com/eq_view_profile.html?num=1100304]Kilaer Darkheart[/url]
[url=http://www.magelo.com/eq_view_profile.html?num=886735]"Have you hugged a iksar today?"[/url]
[url=http://www.magelo.com/eq_view_profile.html?num=886735]"Have you hugged a iksar today?"[/url]
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Donal
- Peon
- Posts: 69
- Joined: Sat Jun 05, 2004 8:07 pm
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Venamdar
- Lesser Peon
- Posts: 21
- Joined: Sun Jun 27, 2004 8:53 pm
The "Late" Preacher
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.
Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
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Venamdar
- Lesser Peon
- Posts: 21
- Joined: Sun Jun 27, 2004 8:53 pm
Blonde Convention
Present company excluded, of course...
80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium or a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A bonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start ceering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium or a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A bonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start ceering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
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Madmac
- Lesser Peon
- Posts: 29
- Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2004 5:26 pm
Why it is Important to listen
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his location. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a
conversation he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned,
smiled and said, Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?"
"Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"
"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his location. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a
conversation he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned,
smiled and said, Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?"
"Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"
"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
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Joubie
- Lesser Peon
- Posts: 21
- Joined: Fri Jun 18, 2004 5:32 am
Respect, eh!
Mario Lemieux, Steve Yzerman and Wayne Gretzky are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.
God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I
must first ask you what you believe in."
Addressing Lemieux first he asks,"What do you believe?"
Mario looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Hockey to
be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many
people, from Moscow to the bright lights of New York. I have devoted my life
to bringing such joy to people who watch us and support their team."
God looks up and offers Mario the seat to his left.
He then turns to Steve Yzerman, "And you, Steve, what do you believe?"
Stevie Y stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are
the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a
living embodiment of these traits."
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Yzerman the seat to his right.
Finally, he turns to Wayne Gretzky, "And you, Wayne, what do you believe?"
I believe," says Gretzky, "You're sitting in my seat"
Mario Lemieux, Steve Yzerman and Wayne Gretzky are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.
God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I
must first ask you what you believe in."
Addressing Lemieux first he asks,"What do you believe?"
Mario looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Hockey to
be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many
people, from Moscow to the bright lights of New York. I have devoted my life
to bringing such joy to people who watch us and support their team."
God looks up and offers Mario the seat to his left.
He then turns to Steve Yzerman, "And you, Steve, what do you believe?"
Stevie Y stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are
the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a
living embodiment of these traits."
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Yzerman the seat to his right.
Finally, he turns to Wayne Gretzky, "And you, Wayne, what do you believe?"
I believe," says Gretzky, "You're sitting in my seat"
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Kronika
- Lesser Peon
- Posts: 21
- Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2004 3:10 pm
Dear Friends,
My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to! "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet thang. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse- sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designedto incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricitywhile you flee to safety.
The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought it and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs.
How disappointing!
I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.
Awesome!!!
Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
Trust me... but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY *******! DAAUUUUUMMN!!!& N!#%^*+~#; I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, and body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetalposition, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacain, and my bottom lip felt like it weighed 88 lbs. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, hairy, and kinda handsome if I must say so myself. I miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
Regards, Bubba
My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to! "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet thang. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse- sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designedto incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricitywhile you flee to safety.
The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought it and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs.
How disappointing!
I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.
Awesome!!!
Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
Trust me... but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY *******! DAAUUUUUMMN!!!& N!#%^*+~#; I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, and body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetalposition, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacain, and my bottom lip felt like it weighed 88 lbs. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, hairy, and kinda handsome if I must say so myself. I miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
Regards, Bubba
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Faenor
- Lesser Peon
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2004 12:34 pm
Man, I never read the jokes section, but today I felt an overpowering urge to do so, and boy am I glad that I did! Man thats the funniest shit I've read in a long time. A friend of mine had a stun gun a while ago (which is not nearly as powerful as a tazer) and we had fun stunning each other. But man, you take the cake!