chipmunks

[Neularie]

How to Avoid Being Eaten by a Chipmunk

1. Never refer to a chipmunk as a small striped squirrel. Only three people have ever lived after doing so. This sends them into a seething rage akin to calling a Canadian an American.

2. Contrary to popular belief driving a Hummer will not protect you from a chipmunk. Get a tank.

3. Never act like a nut in the presence of a chipmunk. For example, mention that you never watch Dr. Phil or Oprah. (Mentioning Springer or Maury Povich is a death knell fyi.)

4. If confronted by a chipmunk back away slowly singing ?He?s So Fine? ala Alvin. If this doesn?t work drop a $50 bill. This should distract them long enough for you to run away. Do not leave your wallet behind. They?re masters of identity theft ? and now have your address.

5. Become a Psychiatrist and psychoanalyze any chipmunks you encounter for free. They?ll appreciate the concern and attention. If you can get them cheap meds they may become your friend. However, should you lose your license and are unable to supply them with more drugs, consider moving to Antarctica.

6. Carry a whoopie cushion and use it on yourself. Chipmunks can?t resist a good laugh from a whoopie cushion. Caution! Do not use hand buzzers with chipmunks unless you like only being able to count to 8 or 9 on your fingers.

7. Do not attempt to disguise yourself as a chipmunk. They are extremely amorous creatures and do not take no for an answer. Guys, wearing a butt plug will not save you!

8. Do everything in your car. Eat in it, sleep in it, work in it, date in it. Never leave your car. If you do check for chipmunks first.

9. If cornered your only option may be to list various and sundry diseases you have: start with the plague but do not mention chicken pox. That?s a delicacy to chipmunks.

10. Never try to hunt chipmunks. They?re cunning and have been known to carry AK-47s with extra clips.

11. Make friends with overweight, tasty-looking people. After making sure you can run faster than all of them, as a group head into the woods.

12. Talk like you?re a character from the Soprano?s. Most chipmunks do not have cable so they?ll be impressed thinking they are meeting someone semi-famous. If they call your bluff offer to rub out eagles or owls for them to show your contrition.

13. If you have any personal effects offer them to the chipmunk: rings, watches, etc. However if you don?t have an iPod DO NOT offer them your MP3 player. They want brand name stuff and it may cost you your life.

14. If you?re breaking up with a two-timing loser of a significant other, stuff acorns in their pockets and suggest you go for one last walk in the woods to get closure.

15. Never attempt hand to hand combat with a chipmunk. They?re big fans of David Carradine ala Kung Fu and Kill Bill. Even Chuck Norris doesn?t tangle with chipmunks.

16. Do not wear anything resembling ?chipmunk? fur. You may think this will scare them off thinking you?ve killed their kind before. Do this only if you have no interest in the potential ability to reproduce.

17. Become friends with Joan Rivers. The sound of her voice hits a particular frequency which causes chipmunks to lose control of their bowels. However, should they be wearing ear plugs you and Joan are toast.

18. Do not try to get chummy with chipmunks and offer to buy them libations. They?ve been known to drink grizzly bears under the table before consuming them.

19. Never write any novels, make any movies or draw cartoons denouncing chipmunks, their deities or Alvin. If you do, apologize and go into hiding.

[Mysticluv]

Go back to bed.

[Neularie]

pffft, being in bed alone is way overrated...

[Mysticluv]

Youre just not doing it right then.

[Dimleelit]

1. Never refer to a chipmunk as a small striped squirrel. Only three people have ever lived after doing so. This sends them into a seething rage akin to calling a Canadian an American.

But Canadians are Americans...

[Chania]

1. Never refer to a chipmunk as a small striped squirrel. Only three people have ever lived after doing so. This sends them into a seething rage akin to calling a Canadian an American.

But Canadians are Americans...

Dems fighting words!