Purina diet

[Thors]

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart
and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and
that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina
nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the
food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was
by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been
sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid lady...why else would I buy dog food?

[Danton]

Subject: FW: What is your work out routine?


A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands
before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old blonde babe dressed in
nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.She
introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.The
sign reads , "If you can catch me, you can have me."Without a second
thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing,
he finally gives up.The same girl shows up for the next four days and
the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is
delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.He calls the company
and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.The next day there's a knock at
the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy red-headed
woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok
running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me
you can have me".Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This
girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while before he can
continue, so for the next four days, the same routine happens with him
gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the
fifth day he weighs himself only to discoverthat he has lost another 20
lbs. as promised.He decides to go for broke and calls the company to
order the 7-day/ 50pound program."Are you sure?" asks the representative
on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely, " he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."The next
day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge
muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a
sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, your ass is mine

[Danton]

WORLD WAR III IS COMING


President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar.


A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's him."



So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor!
What are you doing in here?"

Bush says, " I'm planning WW III."



The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big jugs."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big jugs?

Why kill a blonde with big jugs?"

Bush turns to the bartender and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims
_________________

[Danton]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being
interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The
discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What
Do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you
shoot him? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are you the one
who killed my brother?"

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All
they care about is, "What am I going to eat next, who am I going to
screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much
like the French."
__________________

[Emalith]

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous


"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman


"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison


"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran


"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming ...
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous


You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman


My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle


Marriage is the only war in which one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous


First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."


===============================================

A guy calls a horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to
look at a race horse he wants to buy.

The rancher says "how will I recognize him?"

"Easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment"

The midget shows up and the rancher asks him if he is looking for a
male or female horse.

"A female horth"

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin' horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the rancher picks up the midget and gets him eye to eye with the
horse.
Puts him down.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"

The rancher picks up the little fella again and shows him the horse's
ears.
Puts him down.

"Hmm, nitrh earzth. Can I thee her mouf?"

The rancher is getting impatient with having to lift the midget every
time he asks a question, but he picks him up again and shows him the
horse's mouth.

"Hmm, nith mouf, can I thee her twat?"

Totally pissed off at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm
and jams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him
out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing and says, "Perhapth, I
should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?"