Patch Notes LOL

[Portly]

Thursday, July 21, 2011:

GENERAL

- We have fixed the issues with reduced disc/buff timers. They will all last as long as fast DoTs now.

- New character models and armor skins are going live!! You are all now $10,000 in debt in the station store. Our debt collectors will be knocking on your door soon.

- Speaking of station store... the SC button is now in 1080p and 3D and has been placed in the center of your screen and blinks in rhythm to the new SC theme song 'Achy-Breaky Heart'. Any attempt to move or resize it will result in the welcome window opening up.

- Speaking of the welcome window... A new flash program has been added with Billy Mazing selling marketplace goods and some great offers from our new advertising partners. Be sure to support EQ by using it. Do the Dew.

- Speaking of the marketplace... it will now sell cheap, chinese slave labor produced EQ brand Hoodies for the amazingly low price of $199.99. They will be available at your local retailer for $12.99 next month.

- Nolrog has been promoted to Supreme Forum Mod. Keep an eye out for him to be popping in on all your posts to let you know all the rules of the forums and what you can and can't say, where you should say it, where else its been posted and why you are wrong for doing what you do the way you do.

- Healer Mercernaries will now autosuspend if you drop below 60% health. Lets be real, they weren't going to heal you at that point anyway.

- To discourage hackers, all plat and gear has been removed from your characters. You can get it all back by buying the special 'MY STUFF' pouch in the marketplace. On sale now, don't wait!!

- To entice and retain new/returning players YOUTUBE videos will play on the walls of the Guild Lobby 24/7 to keep them interested in the game while someone else gets all their exp/prog/AA done for them. Also, we've added a milkshake machine behind the throne 'cuz we heard it brings all the boys to the yard.

- To ensure the health of the game and maintain our loyal playerbase we will randomly be nerfing two classes each patch with unwarranted, out of the blue, class crippling changes. We swear its for your own good and will make your playtime more fun. Trust us, we had several meetings about it.

- Some code optimizations have been introduced that should increase your lag by at least 50%. This will keep you staring at your ping rate and distract you from our horridly out of date UI.

Fellowship members can now loot any item for any member of their fellowship and mail it to them.

Augs worse than the ones you are using now will begin dropping from mobs harder than the ones you're killing now.

The new EQ expansion 'Veil of Alaris' has been renamed to 'SWG'. We can't tell you why.

CLASS SPECIFIC

- Berserker - will be getting a bard/shaman hybrid familiar to ensure their supreme dps dominance at all times. As the last dps class introduced, they should be the best to justify their existance.

- Magician - class specific robes will be getting a large backstab mod to assist them with some of their dps issues. We're also removing all of their casting abilities because their pet can tank lower level group content with healing/debuffing support.

- Rogues - will no longer be able to use any offensive attacks and will only be able to pickpocket, scout, gamble, lie, and make poisons as was their original class intent before all this Everquest business got in the way with letting them attack stuff.

- Beastlord - will now receive the final stand disc since they never had their own class role to begin with and we're just giving them the abilities from every other class in the game.

- Necro - A new super extra slow SPLURT spell has been added to the class ensuring they will be the highest damage dealers on any single fight lasting over 2.5 hours. The first tic will hit at the 45 min mark of the fight for 1 dmg with the last tic doing 4 billion dmg at around the 150 min mark.

- Ranger - bullseye disc will now convert all of their arrows into polka dot bunnies. The arrows will do no damage but will add 'flavor' to the disc.

- Wizard - will have their spell slot total reduced to two spell slots only. No one will notice.

- Monk - flying kick damage increased by 6%, triple attack reduced by 8.2%, master wu will have one additional attack, offhand will suffer a 14% accuracy reduction, blunt weapons will do +.02 damage per attack, mending will reduce attack speed by 5, weighing between 22-27 will decrease worn attack by .4 per level % AA total - alcohol tolerance. Why? We have no idea what the outcome will be, we just like messing with them.

- Druid - will get their own special instance of Cobalt Scar for quad kiting to ensure they are still able to fulfill the role they've had for the last 10 years as intended.

- Shadowknight - will gain the ability to summon pet weapons to ensure they are the 'offensive' tank.

- We're pretty sure that is all the classes but we will be happy to listen to your input if you believe you play a class not mentioned here (highly unlikely, but possible) Just provide parses and proof that you exist.

Additions welcome

(Disclaimer): This post was made for some fun and levity. I don't hate EQ, its players, forum posters, or Dev Team. Just smile and enjoy your day.

[Gorkeyah]

Good stuff heh

[Ferriciean Aetas]

Bards never get goodies =(

[eaiana]

To ensure tank class parity, the following abilities have been removed from the game: Slay Undead, Deflection, Lay on Hands, Final Stand, Defensive, Harm Touch and all other Shadowknight, Paladin and Warrior disciplines. All tank classes now get two new disciplines called Don't Hit Me So Hard and I Want To kill Stuff. The following class specific disciplines have been added:

Paladin: Lay on a Finger or Two - casts an immediate 1200 point heal and provides Illusion:Unicorn for the caster
Shadowknights: Harm Tickle, a 1200 point DD that deathtouches the caster
Warrior: Second to Last Stand: Grants the caster 1200 additional hitpoints while summoning bandages

These new abilities will maintain tank class parity while providing each class with its own class defining abilities.

[Ferriciean Aetas]

Now, I do like the idea of defacing paladins.

[purvis170]

HAH~

I skipped the first part and just read mag part, untill i realized it was a spoof.

Very funny!