Unfortunately the following site is kinda pop-up heavy so have your blocker ready! Still funny and worth the visit, IMO.
This Land is your land, this land is my land!
Funny
-
Kimentari
- Lesser Peon
- Posts: 24
- Joined: Wed Jul 07, 2004 1:49 am
-
Donal
- Peon
- Posts: 69
- Joined: Sat Jun 05, 2004 8:07 pm
-
Emalith
- Peon
- Posts: 94
- Joined: Sat Jun 05, 2004 1:57 pm
-
Donal
- Peon
- Posts: 69
- Joined: Sat Jun 05, 2004 8:07 pm
-
Kimentari
- Lesser Peon
- Posts: 24
- Joined: Wed Jul 07, 2004 1:49 am
THE VAN GOGH FAMILY TREE
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist
Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Fla ming Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
The second cousin with the tiny car: Yu Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Tide:
>
>I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have!
>I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it
>was
>the best.
>
>Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a
>month
>ago,
>I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and
>uncaring
>husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally
>started
>becoming a pain in the neck.
>
>One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood
>on
>my white blouse.
>I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just
>wouldn't
>come out.
>After a quick trip to the supermarket,I purchased a bottle of liquid
>Tide
>with bleach alternative,
>and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
>
>In fact,the stains came out so well the Detectives who came by
>yesterday
>told me that
>the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called
>and
>said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the
>disappearance of
>my husband.
>
>What a relief!
>
>Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
>I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
>
>Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
--------------------------------------------------
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
Dialling long distance wears you out.
You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.
------------------------------------
Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant fix-me up.
Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too dam-- bad. Please recite the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
-------------------------------------------------
Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares!
-------------------------------------------
Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips
Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying down on the couch with your feet up anyway!
-----------------------------
Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women - Buy mashed potato mix in the box, and you don't have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.
----------------------------------------------
Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead. There won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Real Women - Go straight to the bakery...they'll even decorate it for you!
----------------------------------------------
Ladies - Brush some egg white over pie crusts before baking to yield a beautiful, glossy finish.
Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not say a dam-- thing about brushing egg whites over anything, so don't do it!
-----------------------------------------------
Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women - Go ask the very HOT neighbor guy to do it!
-----------------------------------------------
Ladies - Your best friend is always there for you. She will even come and bail you out of jail.
Real Women - Your best friend will be sitting next to you in the cell saying, "Dam--.....that was fun!"
------------------------------------------------
Ladies - Don't throw out all the leftover wine...freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women - What leftover wine???
------------------------------------
Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
-- Abraham Lincoln
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist
Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Fla ming Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
The second cousin with the tiny car: Yu Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Tide:
>
>I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have!
>I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it
>was
>the best.
>
>Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a
>month
>ago,
>I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and
>uncaring
>husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally
>started
>becoming a pain in the neck.
>
>One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood
>on
>my white blouse.
>I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just
>wouldn't
>come out.
>After a quick trip to the supermarket,I purchased a bottle of liquid
>Tide
>with bleach alternative,
>and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
>
>In fact,the stains came out so well the Detectives who came by
>yesterday
>told me that
>the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called
>and
>said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the
>disappearance of
>my husband.
>
>What a relief!
>
>Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
>I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
>
>Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
--------------------------------------------------
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
Dialling long distance wears you out.
You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.
------------------------------------
Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant fix-me up.
Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too dam-- bad. Please recite the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
-------------------------------------------------
Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares!
-------------------------------------------
Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips
Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying down on the couch with your feet up anyway!
-----------------------------
Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women - Buy mashed potato mix in the box, and you don't have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.
----------------------------------------------
Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead. There won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Real Women - Go straight to the bakery...they'll even decorate it for you!
----------------------------------------------
Ladies - Brush some egg white over pie crusts before baking to yield a beautiful, glossy finish.
Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not say a dam-- thing about brushing egg whites over anything, so don't do it!
-----------------------------------------------
Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women - Go ask the very HOT neighbor guy to do it!
-----------------------------------------------
Ladies - Your best friend is always there for you. She will even come and bail you out of jail.
Real Women - Your best friend will be sitting next to you in the cell saying, "Dam--.....that was fun!"
------------------------------------------------
Ladies - Don't throw out all the leftover wine...freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women - What leftover wine???
------------------------------------
Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
-- Abraham Lincoln
Kimentari
Dol Amroth
Cleric needing HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dol Amroth
Cleric needing HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!