Wax IS NOT your friend!

[Mysticluv]

This is funny! CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud



All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
Promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors,
Razors, Nair and now...the wax
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home,
Fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought
That would ring painfully in my mind for the next few
Hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
Medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise:
The bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of
Hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand,
They get warm and you peel them apart and press them to
Your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right
Off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not
A genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure
This out. (YA THINK!?!)



So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing
Each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them
Together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer
And heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I
Lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
Tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling,
But it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no
Longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward
Body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the
Kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate
Hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one
Foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the
One strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering
The right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the
Inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale
Deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision
Returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off
Half the strip. OH NO! What have I done???!!! Another deep
Breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I
Think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear
Crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.



I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that
Has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to
It. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over
Body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the
Toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the
Strip. I touch. I am touching wax. WHAT?! I run my
Fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
Now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is
Still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do
Something. So I put my foot down. My LIFE FLASHES BEFORE
ME!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *Hoo-hoo*?
Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out
What to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get
The urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to
Melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub,
Get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should
Melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!



I get in the tub -
The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
Prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.



Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions
Glued together is having them glued together and then
Glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
Cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!



God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to
Have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!



I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and
Have some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good
Conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued
together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks
for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we
talking cheeks or hoo- ha?"



She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her
the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side
of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of
someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping
the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to
have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut,
stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving
the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major
hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic
Stress counseling for this event.



My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my
saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the
excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I
rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!



The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens
out of my friend.
Its sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It
works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and
she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then
notice to my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL
THERE...ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this
point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color... Now that's funny
.... Notttttttttt!!!! Send this on to other ladies who need
a good laugh!